Emotional Healing & Deliverance

I grew up in what I came to realise in later years as domestic violence, physical and psychological abuse, and emotional neglect, with both parents exhibiting narcissistic traits, particularly in areas of control, although they utilised it differently – Dad with aggression and outbursts, projecting fear in a threatening manner, Mum passively by guilt and emotional manipulation. Although not professionally diagnosed, Dad displays the full spectrum of narcissistic personality disorder, including delusions of grandeur, and Mum displays autistic traits, however, I never understood or recognised this as a child. I was afforded privileges like a private education, music lessons, and a scholarship to music college, yet home life was chaotic and unstable. Anger became a learned behaviour, which I now understand I used as a form of protecting myself, keeping people at arm’s length due to deep mistrust. However this only manifested at home, never at school or anywhere socially, so my outbursts were in direct proportion and not random in that they only occurred as a result of unkind treatment, not just ‘tantrums’ to get my way, however, this did lead to emotional dysregulation. I was extremely self-critical and struggled with severe self-loathing and suicidal thoughts. I was not allowed my own opinions or to express them. I was expected to never question, just simply obey so I didn’t find my voice until after receiving healing/deliverance. I was told I couldn’t leave home unless I married, so my only route out was education.

“I felt trapped, that there was no way out. I started to believe all the things he was telling me about myself and felt condemnation if I left him.”

During one of my years at Uni, Dad had gotten involved with the occult and displayed all the behaviours of someone losing their mind / having a breakdown. There is a history of mental illness in the family – his mum suffered from severe depression, and his brother was diagnosed with bipolar disorder about 30 years ago. From there he initially sought help from a new-age healer (healing with crystals), to eventually finding Jesus and getting saved. From there the rest of the family gave their lives to Christ, witnessing the transformation he had undergone (but subsequently backslid and allowed deception to enter). I had met someone at Uni and we both went to church, and we got married. Whilst I had insisted I was never going to marry a man like my father, it’s exactly what I ended up doing, except he was much more sophisticated in his manipulation techniques, and I ended up in an abusive and extremely controlling relationship that I was hiding whilst being in church. I had tried to take my own life out of a desperate place to end the indescribable pain and anguish I was in. I felt trapped, that there was no way out. I started to believe all the things he was telling me about myself and felt condemnation if I left him. It finally came to an end when he cheated, and I felt free of the guilt of leaving him as my beliefs and values were that marriage was for life.

“One of the main recurring themes was forgiveness, or unforgiveness rather. The ladies asked me if I would be prepared to forgive my Dad?”

<span style=”font-family: century gothic, sans-serif; font-size: 14pxo; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;”>Church was offering emotional healing and I asked for help. I met two ladies every week who prayed with me after I shared my story. At that point, I was struggling with self-doubt (as I was being told so many untruths about myself, and being called Jezebel repeatedly if I voiced my opinion or disagreed) and was struggling with confusion. My thoughts were so unclear, my brain was like a tangled ball of wool, but I couldn’t find the end to unravel it all. One of the main recurring themes was forgiveness, or unforgiveness rather. The ladies asked me if I would be prepared to forgive my Dad? I said no. They asked me to just ‘say it’ even if I didn’t mean it. At that point I didn’t realise the power of the spoken word and what it can break – in my eyes, if I didn’t mean it I wasn’t going to say it. But one week I tried to speak the words, and they wouldn’t come out. It felt like I was being choked but could still breathe, but every time I opened my mouth to say ‘I forgive’ the words wouldn’t come. Each time we met I kept trying. One week I was so angry with everything going on in my life that I shouted it out, and it finally came out, at which point something broke in me. I bawled; I couldn’t stop until I was too exhausted to cry anymore. I then had to work through the same forgiveness steps toward mum, and eventually my ex-husband. I had come to understand that the anger I had held was very much linked to unforgiveness. It was what gave me my strength to fight through everything but at the same time was keeping me bound. I came to realise I chose incompatible partners because I didn’t love myself, I had received no unconditional love or acceptance from my family and was repeating the same dysfunctional patterns I had experienced as a child. I hadn’t been taught boundaries as I was never allowed to say no – that then led me to be extremely compliant in friendships and relationships. I came across the book ‘Emotionally Free’ by Rita Bennett. The focus was on seeing Jesus in every traumatic event in your life, to help bring healing. One of the chapters deals with healing in the womb. It asks you to ask Jesus to take you back to the womb if you are struggling to remember your earliest traumatic memory (I had blacked a lot of things out as a coping mechanism). I closed my eyes, I asked Jesus to take me back to the womb, and it’s so difficult to describe, but I felt like I was there. All I felt was fear. So much fear it’s hard to explain. At that point, I felt Jesus was showing me how scared my mum was, and He was able to help me see things from her perspective. It was another step to forgiveness and letting go of the many needs I felt my mum never gave me or was unable to (no protection, no safety, no nurturing instinct, due to her needing to meet her own basic needs first).

“Jesus healed me from a spirit of fear, anger, rejection, and abandonment.”

<span style=”font-family: century gothic, sans-serif; font-size: 14pxo; -webkit-text-size-adjust: 100%;”>There was a surrender like falling off a cliff backwards and not turning around to look what was beneath me. It felt like I closed my eyes, outstretched my arms, leaned back and just let go. It was the most frightening, yet liberating experience of my life. After that, my confused thoughts were clearer, and the spirit of fear I had been living in lifted. The spirit of perfection that had been impressed on me also disappeared. Not everything was instant. I had to work through quite a lot of it, but I believe that in some things I received deliverance instantly – in my choice to forgive (when it finally came out), and the experience of being healed in the womb. Jesus healed me from a spirit of fear, anger, rejection, and abandonment. I believe that a generational curse has been broken, praise God.